We have been back in Granite City for one month and one week now and if asked, I would tell you we've adjusted just fine. We aren't completely "settled"- just ask the unpacked suitcases of underwear, socks and misc junk in all our closets- but I thought we were starting to feel at home here. Did you catch that? I *thought*...It was heart breaking to find out last night that Emilia isn't entirely sure of what is happening with our little family.
The past several nights, she has had a great deal of trouble falling and staying asleep at night. We have to make several trips into her room to calm her down, get her to bring the volume down so we don't wake everyone else up, etc. Last night, I was laying in her bed cuddling for our "Two Minutes", when she asked me when we were going home. (Pit. Stomach. Lump. Throat.) That's when it hit me- she must think we are just on a long, LONG visit to Grammy and Grampy's. She loves Grammy and Grampy (at times more than her dad and I, I fear), and so it hadn't really been noticeable that we Moved. When I reminded her that we moved here and this was our home for now, she told me "Noo, this is Grammy and Grampy's home...." Doesn't that explain so much? All the late night fits and fights, the acting out due to confusion, and so on. All the areas we have been trying to show EXTRA patience while we unravel all her little 2 1/2 year old thoughts and I missed this one- Big Time.
I laid with her for a few extra minutes that night, talking about Saipan. I told her we were living with Grammy and Grampy until it got really hot out side and then we were moving to our new home in Saipan. I asked her where Saipan was and she said "far, far FAR away". You've got that right sister. I went through the dialouge again about how we won't be close to Grammy, Grampy, Grandma Bonnie, etc. and we won't get to see them for a long time. But I reminded her that we could Skype with them, like she used to do with her babysitter, Mrs. Vicki, and Mrs. Vicki's grandson, Lucian. She loved getting to do that with them, and I know she will enjoy doing it with her own grandparents in only a few short months.
All of this to say, sometimes we think everything is OK, but it's not. I know there are parts of this journey that Emilia will never understand completely or beyond what is capable of a 3 year old. But, I needed this gentle reminder to talk things through with her- repeatively and often. The information is sinking in, but it's a slow process. I know she will always feel a stable level of comfort as long as Jason and I are her constants, but we need to do a better job of watching for the uncertainties in her little life. She may be loud, funny and confident, but she has scared parts and confused parts too.
I think that translates into our every day, ordinary lives as well. Sometimes we get so caught up in the hub-bub of social calendars, "me time", work, and so on that we forget our most fragile gifts. I'm not saying I am against ANY of those things I just mentioned. I'm trying to point out that our lives are all about balance and we need to keep our focus centered on Christ and see how we portion out our time accordingly. I need to be there for Emilia every day in every way I can.
On days when I feel like I'm at the end of my rope with correcting her and teaching her what a Good Attitude is, I need to remind myself that her little life is just as much in an upheaval right now as mine. We are going through all these crazy changes together. While it's such a great experience, I need to remember that she cannot always voice her concerns. I need to keep my eyes and ears open for her other cues and try to help her transition easily. Lord, bless my sweet baby girl and please help me to always see her through your eyes.